so i saw the dr. today. not my doctor. but the ultrasound doctor. i get to have some extra ultra sounds during this pregnancy because of what i so ominously mentioned before about the baby's "condition." i really feel bad for going and getting you all worked up and concerned, because truly, it appears as though things will be just fine with our baby boy. you see, his umbilical cord (or is it mine? not sure how that all works out...) should have three vessels, but his only has two (way to stand out junior! you know i enforce being different!!!). also, apparently this cord is truly delinquent because it decided to implant on the side of my placenta rather than the center....both of those things increase the risk of additional birth defects (none detected thus far), and a baby that may or may not be a little on the small side. so the dr.'s have to keep a close eye to make sure he grows the way that he should. all things considered ---- namely one of my best friend's who just lost her brand new precious little one, and another friend who sadly miscarried at 9 weeks, we are extremely, extremely lucky.
and i think that's good to remember.
yesterday i did some reading on these cluster headaches i've been having. the weirdest thing about them is how scheduled they are and that's how i know they're not migraines. right now i'm having them at noon and 3 am. remember in hawaii how i had them for over a month? well, apparently that's normal. and it's apparently normal to think suicidal thoughts because the pain is so intense (i must be either really tough or have a 'mild' case of cluster headaches although i did wish i could die once in hawaii). i read one statement from a physician who said he believes cluster headaches cause the worst pain known to man (he mentioned childbirth specifically, but i still reverence childbirth as the pinnacle of pain).
i just want to thank you for being so sweet. it warmed my heart that you got the medication for me this morning. and i was so grateful that you took an initiative since a headache came on just as you came through the door.
sticking to the bright side, i'm grateful for the pain i've experienced because it's taught me to work and serve even though i'm uncomfortable. it helped my self-esteem the other day when i helped my dad lay the floor through my noon headache. and i feel better about myself when i can still be a nice person to everyone (especially our girls) even when i'm in extreme pain. so i'm grateful for what it's taught me and made me believe about myself. and i love you all the more for what it teaches me about you. yesterday, when you said you were too self-absorbed, i couldn't remember ever disagreeing with you so strongly. you are the most unselfish person i know.
i love you.