because we use crazy as a word to describe those we haven’t managed to reduce to categories yet. because i haven’t figured out how to put myself into a category, only how to reject them like shoes that don’t quite fit.
its not because i’m fascinating, or all that different, i just don’t fully agree with most stuff. and i have a lot of trouble making up my mind.
this is partly because my mind is unreliable. my feelings also, can’t fully be trusted. there are diagnoses for these things. medication too. none of it works or helps just the way one would hope.
not even knowing that i am not my thoughts, or my feelings. knowing and believing i am something more, something whole and unbroken here to help others despite what my mind argues—-not even that keeps me sane all of the time.
if you live trying to effectively manage mental/emotional wellness too, you might know what i’m talking about.
also? there isn’t actually a cure for being human. we don’t get to skip any part of it. trying to only makes us more sick.
what else is there to do but talk about it? to share with one another? to find the holes in the consistently unstable process where the humanity and the light pour through, so unexpectedly pure?
i will be using this blog to share photo work yes, but to also chronicle my experience embracing my humanity. it will get light. it will get dark. it will be every shade in between because that’s what we are, a full spectrum of so, so many beautiful-terrible things.
the only rule i ask of anyone who decides to read along is this:
don’t take me too seriously or too literally. this is all an experiment rooted in survival. i witness my process as an antidote to shame. if i don’t get whatever it is inside of me out, it gets heavy, so heavy i am unable to function. i need to function. i have three children i’m responsible for. i have a life i’m saying yes to, no matter the price. i don’t know why i am wired this way, but i have worked hard to make peace with it. i create to live. to “stay in the game.” i know how annoyingly dramatic that sounds, but that doesn’t make it untrue.
so, of what you find here, take the parts that might help, oh god, please, that is my prayer —that some part of it might help, but whatever doesn’t help? just leave it right here. its not so hard to do.
remember, everybody’s right. and everybody’s wrong. depending on what point in time you talk to them and about what. the endlessly contradicting books on a single shelf of any library prove that. what i write is never THE truth, it is simply my truth. one i’m sure i’ll blush about and be inclined to reverse at some point when i am more mature. like next week.
sometimes, i use words the way i use my cameras, imprecisely. i do this because i can’t always find the right words and i’m learning. i also do it in an attempt to approach meaning that doesn’t fit neat into the most basic category of all: the words themselves. my imprecision, which you are welcome to interpret as laziness, i do in my more self critical moments, comes most naturally to me. i hope that embracing my inherent flaws will turn those same flaws into doors leading beyond their limits to somewhere real. somewhere new.
i hope you’ll come with me.