the mommy dilemma

today i leave for wppi. i feel sick about it. punched in the gut, clear the path to the toilet, i might throw up kind of sick.  marty says its because of the green smoothie we both drank this morning, and insists his stomach is upset too.

but we both know the reason for our unease is this trip. that i'm leaving. again. that when i get back i will be home for less than a week before leaving the 4 of them for a week of shooting in Califronia. it hurts.

it hurts a lot.

i know what you're thinking. why the heck are you going then? wppi is just a fun thing, stay home, be with your babies and hubby while you can!

well the funny thing about the living contradiction that i am, is that, i want to go. i need some time for me. time that the pure objective of is to have fun. i do this maybe once a year, if that. and i need it to be more sane, more whole, more me. the me that is separate from mommy, and separate from simply yan the photographer who i am on work trips.

but that doesn't mean i don't feel sick. because you see, i've got these guys:

and let's not forget uncle marty, the love of my life.

and i just hate hate hate that i can't shrink them and put them all in my pocket to take with me. of course a week ago during a long afternoon i was counting down the days and minutes, fantasizing about my time away--but now that its here, i'm a teary emotional mess. and this my friends is the mommy dilemma. i know you've been there too, and a lot of you out there probably feel the same way.

interestingly, as i was complaining to my own mom on the phone about how hard it all was--to be a working mom (tip: don't complain to a mother of 10 who has worked her whole life and still been the most amazing mother in the entire world), she's the one who put me in my place.

"be tuff anna (what my family always calls me, yet another name, i know, i know). you're doing it for them. and you can't do anything in this world without sacrifice." "i know," i said. because i did. even though it kept hurting. and even though today, i still feel sick and stressed. but i know what i'm doing, and what must be done. and sometimes life is just that way.