wppi instagram recap

i think bullet points and instagram are going to have to save me when it comes to organizing my wppi experience. ready? highlights:

-riding down with ryan muirhead, tavis johson and becky earl, during which ryan serenaded tavis pretty much straight for 6 hours. bonus: we didn't die on the snowy roads.

-amazing mentoring session with kimberly dunbar and tamara campbell in which we photographed brooke of brooke askley photography. gotta love the mentoring sesh's where you take away as much as you give.

-dancing with my favorite group of crazies at airhorns and blazer for 3 straight hours. holy sweat. holy moves.

-meeting jose villa and forcing him to take a picture with me, then emarrassing myself by asking him if he wanted to photograph me after he complimented the braids in my hair.

-meeting yet another one of my fav photog idols, jill thomas and  finding out that on one day we wore the same skirt (failed at getting a photo ,darn it), which i took as a sign that we're soul mates. she just doesn't know it yet.

-replenishing my wardrobe at forever 21. yes i took time to shop at wppi, and let me tell you the freedom of getting some new threads without my 3 little lovlies fussing the whole time was liberating. plus the new clothes boosted my confidence level and increased the watts of my sparkling personality. what can i say?

-sharing a bed every night and late night laughs with the one and only becky earl. i love that girl more than words can say.

-bbq pizza from mgm's food court. don't judge. it was spectacular.

-meeting so many of my online friends in person making me feel like less of an internet dweeb and more like a real live human being. plus getting a real life dose of the personalities  trumps online interaction every time.

-reconciling once again with my infamous hater todd reichman of the a man to fish blog. see picture below.

-facing my fear and singing karaoke at jon canlas' finder dinner. this was also extremely painful, but i'm chalking in up as a win.

-stealing becky's rz and holding it as i walked around the tradeshow and subsequently getting checked out by every guy there because of the radness and girth of that beauty. ha!

regrets:

-not having my marty with me for every step of the way. except the step where i shared a bed with becky. awkwaaaaard!

-not getting to meet up with even 1/3 of the friends i wanted to. you know who you are. why is there never enough time in the live long day? i don't think i'm going to ever get over this.

-not having a pass to get into the actual platform classes. i'm a nerd and love to be inspired by anyone i can be  in this industry.  i firmly firmly firmly believe you can learn something from everyone, depending on  how hard you try. of course i attempted to play it off like i was just too cool to go to the classes, but really i lacked the dollah billz.

-not shooting in the desert with dylan howel and sara k byrne. i know the shoot was awesome because THEY surpass my standards for coolness time and time again.

-not shooting in downtown vegas with some other good peeps.

-gosh darn it, just not shooting in general

-not finding internet access to blog every day! daaang gina! you would think big time hotels would just include some free wifi, am i right?

-consequently getting waaay behind on emails and biz stuff in general.

in conclusion, wppi 2012 was a rip roaring success. there were highs and lows, i walked away with amazing memories, and also some painful blisters on my feet. but overall, i can't wait to head back to sin city next year.  did you go? how was your wppi experience? no really, i want to know!

the car ride down

becky and her beast at the trade show:

the result (she's so good):

jose villa loves me!

what vegas post would be complete without slot machines:

heartbreaker (sidenote--jose villa "liked" this photo on instagram. my life is complete):

meeting up outside the tradeshow:

one of the brothers wright, i'm a jerk and i forget which, but either one knows so much about film it makes my head hurt:

me hugging my mortal enemy, todd reichman. he paid me for this shot. just jokes, we is buds now:

cute kids (ryan muirhead and becky):

tired eyes:

no shame, sleeping on the airport floor waiting for my flight home to see my babies!

thanks for looking friends! here's to next year!

the mommy dilemma

today i leave for wppi. i feel sick about it. punched in the gut, clear the path to the toilet, i might throw up kind of sick.  marty says its because of the green smoothie we both drank this morning, and insists his stomach is upset too.

but we both know the reason for our unease is this trip. that i'm leaving. again. that when i get back i will be home for less than a week before leaving the 4 of them for a week of shooting in Califronia. it hurts.

it hurts a lot.

i know what you're thinking. why the heck are you going then? wppi is just a fun thing, stay home, be with your babies and hubby while you can!

well the funny thing about the living contradiction that i am, is that, i want to go. i need some time for me. time that the pure objective of is to have fun. i do this maybe once a year, if that. and i need it to be more sane, more whole, more me. the me that is separate from mommy, and separate from simply yan the photographer who i am on work trips.

but that doesn't mean i don't feel sick. because you see, i've got these guys:

and let's not forget uncle marty, the love of my life.

and i just hate hate hate that i can't shrink them and put them all in my pocket to take with me. of course a week ago during a long afternoon i was counting down the days and minutes, fantasizing about my time away--but now that its here, i'm a teary emotional mess. and this my friends is the mommy dilemma. i know you've been there too, and a lot of you out there probably feel the same way.

interestingly, as i was complaining to my own mom on the phone about how hard it all was--to be a working mom (tip: don't complain to a mother of 10 who has worked her whole life and still been the most amazing mother in the entire world), she's the one who put me in my place.

"be tuff anna (what my family always calls me, yet another name, i know, i know). you're doing it for them. and you can't do anything in this world without sacrifice." "i know," i said. because i did. even though it kept hurting. and even though today, i still feel sick and stressed. but i know what i'm doing, and what must be done. and sometimes life is just that way.

my favorite thing about marriage

are moments like the one marty and i had two nights ago while falling asleep: marty: (in that trippy place in between sleep and being awake--think heavy breathing)

me:  hey! i just made up another joke, you want to hear it?

marty:  ughhhoo

me: okay. what do you call a panda in a swimming pool?

marty: whaaaaaargggh?

...................wait for it

me: a panda in a swimming pool! (insane, obnoxious laughter)

martin: (in spite of himself): hahahahahahahahahaha

me: i am totally winning!

martin: winning what? who are you playing against?

me: the panda!

martin: hahahahahahaha

me: see, i win again!

*we both fall asleep smiling

.......

what i love most about marriage is the silly nonsense. the ability to make the lamest joke in the world and be appreciated for it.  then the ability to follow that joke with something that makes absolutely no sense---to anyone but you and him. happy sigh.

what do you love most about marriage?

and speaking of marriage, i'm working on editing this loveliest of lovelies wedding:

a coupla things

i feel like someone who's won one of those high school awards like, best hair, or best style, or most likely to succeed. so.

much.

odd (odd but it makes you feel amazing, but you kinda know that in the long run it might not mean anything at all, actually)

recognition.

except my recognition was for sucking. ha. how 'bout that. not the way i'd always fantasized about a viral yan post going down, but it is what it is.

and your support?

has been incredible. beyond that. its been miraculous.

yeah i knew this business was hard. but i didn't know my experience would resonate with so many-i didn't know, didn't want to think that so, so many of you were going through the same thing, or worse.

your words and support left me in a literal state of shock. i couldn't eat yesterday. i couldn't move from my couch. i couldn't pay attention to my kids --okay, i probably could have and should have tried harder there to do so, but i'm making a point here---it just felt like every single last bit of me was engrossed in trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. and that meant i had to stay on my couch. glued to my computer.

for like 4 hours.

to me it went like this: i had blogged, i poured my guts out, i clicked post and in the first 3.7 minutes i began to question what i had done. wondered if it was as momentous as it felt, wondered if anyone would ever read it.

and i started to feel silly. and insecure.

but you did read it.

a lot of you did.

and you linked it.

you tweeted it.

*i realize i don't really need to give you a recap here, but for the sake of flow, let's keep going*

you reposted it.

and before i knew it i had 200 comments, an overflowing inbox, regards from south africa, hater posts written on the subject, and someone asking me to do a workshop in sweden.

yeah.

all of which made me feel a million times more silly  than i had in those first few minutes when i thought no one might read it at all.

silly and overwhelmingly grateful. THANK YOU.

i can't help but feel i should spend the rest of my life saying thank you.

but for now what  it comes down to is the decision i made yesterday. a decision i made before writing that post, before spilling my guts, before all the eyes in the photo world suddenly turned to me--

and its that i want to let people reading this blog know me. whether 5 of you are reading it or 5,000, i want you to come here and find something real. and i guess that means letting you all love me and hate me some too.

i hope you stick around.

lastly, here's a song i'd like to dedicate from me to you, hot 9 at 9 - call in to your local radio station- style.

please listen. its an old fav of mine and i feel it speaks to all of us who are struggling.

sick of it

you know that thing we all do when we try to project to our readership and "fans," that we are the most successful photographer, like, ever?  and where we refer to our businesses that are really only run by well, us, as  in just one person, as "we?" like, "we are so glad you are considering yan photography."  "we are so grateful to all of our beautiful 2011 clients," "we were nominated for this year's wedding wire (okay, not even going to go there...). but you know what i'm talking about right? well, i'm done.  this is a one woman operation on up in here ( though uncle marty would like to be acknowledged for all of his behind the scenes contributions and mad second shooting skillz), and imma bout to own it.

its not that i don't want to sound fancy. and its not that i hate those of you out there who are doing exactly what i just described in the paragraph above. its just that i'm tired. i'm so so so so tired. i've always prided myself on being a real person, who engages in real conversation, with other similarly sincere people. and to tell you , to even imply, that i'm sitting pretty over here, raking it in with inquiries, and clients, and money money money, and all things related to success....

would be a

big

fat

lie.

because we, ahem, at yan photography are struggling. and we are waiting for our phone to ring, and we are doing everyhing we can think of to get our name out there in a new market and a new state, and we are still only averaging about one freaking inquiry a week. to which we promptly get the response that we are too expensive.

and you know what i want to tell people? that behind that we is a me. a woman. a mother of three, with a husband in grad school. pinching and compromising to make ends meet. who can't afford to put her daughters in dance, or piano lessons, or the gosh darn school play which cost $250 (WHAT THE CRAP, RIGHT?!!!). a me who's bills are piling up so high, she feels overwhelmed and tearful every second of every day.

i want to tell them that i've worked hard at this. that i'm good. that i'm different. that i see beauty in the mundane, and can distill delicacy from the clumsy movements of a toddler with the way i wield my lens. i want to yell, look at me! notice me! i'm here, and i'll be a crazy good time on your wedding day, not to mention provide you with pictures that will make you cry as they remind you over and over again, what is good and real and important in life.

sigh.

but i can't force anyone to hire me. try as i might, i can't put their-- or should i say, your, money in my pockets. i can't make you love my art. so i'm doing what i can. i'm creating. and i'm getting real. i'm stripping away all the pre-conceived notions of what success is and what it isn't. i can show you who i am, because  i'm  here at the bottom and i have nothing to lose. and really, that's what i should have been showing you all along.

oh yes, this is going to be a fun year.

and one last thing. a request really. if you've thought of hiring me but have been holding off. if you want to book a family session but you're in boise or utah, or somewhere other than Denver, Colorado (where i am right now in case you missed it). if you are getting married, and i'm your dream photographer (hahaha), but you just know i'm out of your budget.

please,

write me. you might be thinner in six months, but your kids are growing up NOW.  we can set up dates and multiple sessions for a boise or utah trip in the srping. we can take a look at your wedding budget and see if its possible to work something out.

because i want to know you, and i want to work with you.

and because,

i'm desperate.

has any photographer written those words online, publicly? EVER? no?  well, its true.  i don't want to false advertise, i won't give away the farm just yet. and i'm not going to sell my soul or anything. but i'm at a point where i'm willing to do a 'lil bending and compromising. not too much, but a little. also, i'm good. really good. and you want to work with me too.

i think.

i hope.

yeah, you do.

are some of you thinking i'm commiting business suicide right now?

yes.

am i?

quite possibly. all i know for sure, though is that i'm getting real and i'm being honest.

so bring it on 2012, bring it on. and seriously?

call me.

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